A funeral ceremony is for the living as much as the deceased, and allows us to channel the energy from our disbelief and anger into the first steps towards healing.
"Death, where is thy sting?" This famous quote by one of my favourite authors, Maya Angelou, is from her book, Letter to my Daughter:
"When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humours. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake. I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting?' with 'it is here in my heart and mind and memories.'”
What does death mean to me?
When I was young, death seemed a long way off and something that happened in movies or stories. Three of my grandparents died before I was born. I have attended many funerals in my life. When I was younger, the funerals seemed to be for old people and about old people. Although I know that the only certainty in life is that one day we will die, I had not considered the impact a death closer to me might have.
This quote from Maya has led me to muse on what death means. As I am older and therefore closer to my final day, I find a freedom in agreeing with her. I can accept the idea of my own demise, but not that of others as easily.
My sister's story
It was not until my eldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2001 that death came close to home for me and my family. She had devoted her life to the service of others. My sister was a nurse, having worked in hospitals, the community and in health promotion and prevention services. She had also worked as a scout leader for most of her life and was a respected member of that community.
At that time, the treatment of breast cancer was becoming more high profile. As a family, we supported her through her radiation and chemotherapy treatment. We thought that would be enough to save her. She continued to work throughout her treatment, until she was not well enough to continue, six months after diagnosis. She died six weeks later, the week after the twin towers were hit on September 11, 2001.
Her death had a profound impact on the life of my family. Our parents were unable to process the fact that they were burying their first-born child. My father lost interest in life, even in his grandchildren. My mother continued to live, and support the rest of us and our children, but with a heavy heart. She died just short of five years later, also of cancer.
The impact of death
The rest of my family can remember life before and after my sister's death. Before her death we seemed untouched by the heavy weight of grief. Afterwards, it seemed to be everywhere. Within two years I had attended at least a dozen more funerals. Some felt okay in that they were in the right order – my remaining grandmother, and elderly aunts and uncles from our large extended family.
Others were not. One was for the two-year-old daughter of a work colleague who drowned in the family pool on Boxing Day. Another was for the 9 year old daughter of a school friend, who died of leukaemia. Two others were friends, one in his 30s who died of cancer, and another in his 40s who died of a heart attack.
Anger and Disbelief can turn into Healing
In Maya’s words: “I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.”
However, since becoming a funeral celebrant, I have paused to consider what it means to let go of friends and relatives. I have helped people to appreciate the importance of a funeral ceremony. It is a ritual that allows the bereaved to remember the life of the deceased, and the role they played in the life. The ceremony allows a shared grief to be expressed, and for the central mourners to be allowed to see and feel the support of their family, friends and community.
Funeral Ceremony
As a funeral celebrant, I am happy to work with you and your loved ones. We can create the funeral ceremony you want that will honour the life of the person you loved and help those left living without them.
Get in touch if you want to talk about it: contact me.